The Little Blogdorf: How to Detect Douche Bags Using Music pt. 1
Music. It is the spice of life.
It can invoke or compliment emotion, soothe or repose, heighten or instigate.
There is power in melody and rhythm to entertain, bore, communicate, agitate, or arouse.
Music is spiritual.
Music is scientific.
It can also be a flagrant exposé to the soul. Now, more so then ever, music is one of the foremost telltales of one’s character. Observation of one’s affection to musical genre is a useful tool of deduction. A brief look into one’s iPod is akin to a thorough autopsy of human caliber.
Personally being able to recognize said indications is a huge step up during the current sociological epidemic taking hold of our country. The sociological epidemic, of course, is douchebaggery.
Douche Bag= Tool bag, Cruiser, Jerry Face, Guy, Schmuck, VIP at Edge, Lloyd, Jack Wagon, Nerf Herder, Tool Shed, Johnny, V-Neck, Any Music Promoter I’ve Ever Met, Bro-Man-Dude, Ed Hardy, Sigma bro, Epic, Southern Californian, The guy who texts, “Come to the Freight House it’s crackin’!”, TAP OUT, or just DB.
The following is an overview of musical red flags that will help finger even the most reclusive of douche bags.
(Author’s note: there are plenty of other ways I could have written the previous sentence without using the 1930s slang: finger, which means to “out someone.” However, I am inherently immature and like to spin lowbrow double entendres into every aspect of my life.)
Reggaeton: For God’s sake, stop it. When it first hit the US it was acceptable to be intrigued by it as it was a fast new adrenaline filled beat plastered with images of South American bootáy bouncing around like a Flubber induced game of jai-alai. Intrigued is the keyword of that sentence as it has never been acceptable to like this music. If you liked it then or if you like it now, you sir, are a Douche Bag. The beat is annoying, the rapping is awful, the Spanish is nonsensical and mostly incorrect, and when played outside of a dance floor it is absolutely unnecessary. The only acceptable way to listen to reggaeton is if a few feet below your ears there is a vagina. No matter how terrible this music is females are genetically inclined to love it. For a woman, anything that closely resembles a rhythm must be danced to. They can’t help it and I won’t stop them.
Club Hits: This includes but is not limited to: House, Trance, Techno, KE$HA, GaGa, Far East Movement, new Usher (old Usher is the business), California Girls, and any club/techno/house remix of any song ever. Once again, if you are a girl you are more then welcome to like this music if you are a man and you like this music you are a Tool Shed…or on E and in that case you can’t help but lick the speakers to Like a G6. If you can’t figure out why this music is horrible you probably shouldn’t be allowed to vote either. There are actually people out there who listen to House music in the car1, they’re not dancing, just driving …and listening. Outside of the warehouse party this is not even considered music. Stop it.
1 If it’s not a smart car, I bet it has vanity plates.
Nothing gets the bro-man-dudes movin' like Tik Tok
*This rant has been cut into 2 parts because Mikey types a lot when he’s angry and this got way too long.
